Apologies to Clement Clarke Moore
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a person was stirring, not even my spouse;
The ornaments were hung on the tree with great care,
In hope that no ferrets would ever be there.
The ferrets were snoozing, all snug in their beds,
And thoughts of wry mischief danced in their heads.
My wife in her t-shirt, and I in my shorts,
Had just settled down after having a snort.
When out in the kitchen there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tripped over the water bowl into the trash…
Alone on the floor, with cold and wet shorts,
I thought to myself, "I'm too old for these sports,"
When whom did I spot? Not that fellow named Claus -
But eight tiny demons with thirty-two paws.
They scampered and scurried, and scattered so quick,
I knew in a moment they were up to their tricks.
More rapid than weasels, they started this game,
And I whistled and shouted and called them by name;
"Hey Shelby! Hey Chase! Hey Jasper! Hey Scritch!"
"How'd they get out?" I thought, "Son of a *****!"
They ran from the kitchen and tore off down the hall,
Then climbed on the sofa and bounced off the wall.
They vanished like elves - I thought, "Where could they be?"
When I noticed a rustling just under the tree.
The tree lights were blinking as I turned around,
And up through the middle went Chase with a bound!
I reached in my hand as Chase climbed to the top,
One by one, I heard ornaments drop.
In the center of the tree climbed my bad little girl,
And I thought to myself, "She must be part squirrel!"
I reached in again, but I didn't get far,
And covered in tinsel, Chase went for the star!
My arm became tangled in the lights of the tree,
A hook from an ornament got caught on my knee!
I tripped on a present, and I started to fall,
And to the ferrets below, I yelled, "Dash away all!"
With ornaments falling, to the tree I was bound,
And the lights shorted out as we fell to the ground…
I lay in the tree, which I wore like a wreath;
Chase sat on my chest, with the star in her teeth!
With a twinkle in her eye, she looked like an elf,
And I laughed when I saw her, in spite of myself.
The ferrets gathered 'round, and gave me wet kisses,
To warn me that I had awakened the missus.
I untangled myself, and I put them to bed
Then I noticed my wife, who was shaking her head.
And laying a finger upside of my nose,
I gave her a nod, and said, "You don't want to know."
But I heard her exclaim as she turned out the light…
"…What the hell was that all about?"
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!